I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
