made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
