dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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