i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
