Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
