i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i wish my penis had a tongue
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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