Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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