Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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