he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
