I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
