The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
