I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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