why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
