I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
