I puked a lego.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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