the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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