Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
