His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
