He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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