i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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