I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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