Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
