Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
