i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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