I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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