The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
