Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
