if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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