Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
