Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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