Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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