And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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