Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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