Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
