I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
