oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
