Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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