I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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