I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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