omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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