I think I am morally bankrupt
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
