final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
