What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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