i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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