it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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