had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Randomize
