If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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