...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
