Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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