I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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