I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
