Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
